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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 22, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PST

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what is the nuclear option, by the way? >> the nuclear option means that it would only take 51 votes, a simple majority to get -- overcome this filibuster threat. [laughter] >> jon: oooooooh. [ laughter ] so deciding to allow majority rules to ings. ally -- incrementally increase government efishcy is so extreme it's the nuclear option. it's just like hero -- hiroshima of voting. how will mitch mcconnell counter? >> mr. president, i move to adurn the senate until 5:00 p.m. and ask for the yeas and nays. >> jon: hey, everybody is it
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just me or does it feel like quitin time? a-yeah, let's all head home a little early tonight. a-yeah. [ laughter ] actually senator mcconnell tried to make a more substantive case against this filibuster amending. >> i realize this sort of wishful thinking might appeal to the uninitiated newcomers in the democratic congress that served exactly zero days in the are not but the rest of the guys in the conference should know better. those of you in the conference before should know better. >> jon: mark my words one day you democrats democrats will wio be obstructionist (bleep) making a mockery of our system of government. and who will be laughing then?
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turtleman. [laughter] but that argument failed and soon the senate did the unthinkable. >> history made in the u.s. senate. just now the so-called nuclear option has passed. >> jon: and lo the nuclear option came to pass and there was a blight upon this land for once judicial nominees would be confirmed by a sim majority, christmas was abruptly canceled and babies were born knowing all the curse words. [ laughter ] goo (bleep) they would say. [laughter] wah, wah (bleep). [ laughter ] and yeah -- that's all i got. [ laughter ] you know what?
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i don't want to talk about this anymore. let's turn away from washington. let's turn towards the homefront. next thursday is a time to gather with family, to commemorate the feast that native americans prepared for a sphrugling pilgrim settlement, the day we refer to as thanksgiving, and the native americans refer to as an enormous mistake. [laughter] but eat quickly you need your strength. >> almost all the big stores opening earlier than ever. k-mart open agent 6:00 a.m. >> wal-mart, jc penney, big lots, kohls open on thanksgiving. >> jon: every store vinegar world open. dildo depot open, just ger
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bills, open. (bleep) a bear workshop? open. [cheers and applause] so if you are thinking i guess i have to shop all day but once the stores close i can go home and get a solid 15 minutes of thanksgiving in think again. >> k-mart opening from 41 hours straight. >> jon: do you have any idea what this sneens if someone tramples you for a furby thursday morning they don't find your body until friday night. all right, maybe thanksgiving has become a pregame for black friday but at least they cannot take away our turkey. >> butterball which produces 20% of all u.s. turkeys says there's a shortage of fresh turkeys 16 pounds or larger. >> jon: are you (bleep) kidding me. if my turkey is not at least 16 pounds why am i have -- i might
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as well eat a hummingbyrd stuffed with a single crouton and a crazein. >> they are limiting the supplies of fresh turkeys. >> they are not saying why the birds are actually smaller this year. >> jon: hello. perhaps we should go to the source to find out what is going on to the turkeys. please welcome turkey number 77740 inspected by number five. welcome to the show. hey, everybody. how you doing, jon, nice to see you. thank you very much jon nice to see you. what is going on? turkey, let me -- [laughter] let me ask you a question: what is going on? what is the weight loss? is it a political protest?
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is it bird flu? why does it have to be negative? why. you get healthy you try to live your best self but turkeys do it and we're the bad guys. i (bleep) you. i didn't realize you were trying to slim down and look better. cut down on sweets, antibiotics, you know? i guess it doesn't help that i'm stacked in a cage with other turkeys and we live in our own (bleep). i don't know. why are you right now? where do you think i am you piece of (bleep). i'm at my lawyer's office. what do you need a lawyer for? >> look at me. does this look normal to you? i don't have a (bleep) head. i want to sue all you pricks. all of yous. so cold, where are my feathers.
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where are my feathers? do i still have my beautiful feathers? you do not, they are gone p. suing you pricks is too good for you. wait a second. where are you going? get back here. what is going on? what is going on? come here you mother (bleep). i'll show you you, prick, i'll show you what it's like to be carved. where are you snp point me in the right direction. i will (bleep) cut you like a bitch. come on. son of a bitch where are you? thank you very much. we'll be right back. [cheerpplaus applaus modern/remixed version ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. as you know, stheang a time,
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a -- thanksgiving is a time, a blessed time of year and we all give thanks for our families and our health and prepare to beat the (bleep) out of people to go shopping. [ laughter ] jessica williams has more. >> black friday is just around the corner. and it seems like everyone on television has tips for shoppers. >> deals are in the back. >> prioritized by price. >> don't by toys. >> don't turn right. >> and don't be black. >> two black shoppers in one week are accusing the department store of wrongful detainment. >> he was racially profiled. >> he used her tax rebate money to buy this bag at barneys and stopped by the cops. >> it is hard to take advantage of all the black friday steals when you are being accused of stealing. >> when i left the store three blocks away from the store four undercover cops told me they would like to see what i
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purchased. >> what did your white friend say? >> my white friend? >> everyone knows bring a white friend when you shop at a place like thank i should have. next time i know. >> so the problem isn't racially profiling in stores it's that black people had forgotten how to shop. >> i thought they would help me and they didn't. they asked know leave. >> just because you look look a gap model, doesn't mean you won't be profiled. >> i went to a store and i asked to see jeans and she said they are so expensive. >> you thought because you were well put together you could shop anywhere you want. you do know you are black, right? >> i know. >> watch out cops. cops. >> clearly it's time to give black americans my own black friday shopping tips. start simple, when entering a
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store alert everyone to your presence. hey, everybody, my name is jessica williams i intend to buy a pack of gum. i am reaching into my pocket to pull out money, not a gun. per mission to a-- permission to approach. make friends with security. i baked cookies, can i shop now? if that doesn't work x a white person to shop for you. can you buy me that watch. you can use my credit card. all you have to do is sign my name. >> i don't feel comfortable doing that. >> can i ask you a favor? you look white. if i give you $140 can you buy me the sunglasses in the window right there? >> yeah, sure. >> thank you. finally for a more tangible shopping experience hire a middle aged white lady as a
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personal shopper and equipper when a hidden camera inside the neck brace. we're in. go left. let's try on some hats. >> look at this. >> put that back i'm not feeling it. let's move on peggy. look, you found my cat. >> jess this, is perfect. >> that's my style because my style is not ugly. >> good call i'm digging those knee highs. >> these would look good in da club. >> did you just say da club. >> my friend has more of a darker complexion. >> like a deep tan. >> i'm (bleep) black peggy, you can say black. that was a bust but when all else fails there's one other way to avoid getting racially profiled. cover your skin.
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>> jon:essica jessica
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight academy award winning actor. the new movie is called "the hunger games. : catching fire." >> you fought very hard in the games miss everdeen but they
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were games. would you like to be in a real war? >> no. >> neither would i. >> what do i need to do? >> when you and peeta are on tour you need to smile and be grateful but above all you need be madly prepared to end it all in love. can you do that? >> yes. >> yes what? >> i'll convince them. >> no, convince me. >> jon: please welcome jennifer lawrence. [cheers and applause] how are you? [cheers and applause] nice to see you. >> good to see you. >> jon: thanks for being here. >> wow. >> jon: you have to be exhausted. >> i'm so tired. >> jon: how many of these crap fests have you done? >> 100,000. >> jon: it's crazy. >> you are 100,001.
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>> jon: is this it? >> yes, this is my last one and i'm on vacation. not that i haven't had a blast. >> jon: it's wonderful. we're getting along famously. i'm not even going to talk about -- you talked about the movie -- >> why would we talk about the movie? >> jon: can i tell you this? i got a cnn breaking news alert when you got your haircut. >> i know. that was seriously the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. >> jon: it has to be this scrutiny. >> can you imagine getting your haircut and finding out about it on the news. it was the wordest thing that ever happened to me. >> jon: in cnn's defense -- if they watched cnn they would bet only ones. i'm going to blow your mind. you've done your work. you can sit back.
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you are smart and charming but i'm going to blow your mind here. are you ready? >> yes. >> jon: this is something i just found on the internet. >> oh, no. >> jon: look at that picture. that looks like you, yeah. >> okay. >> jon: no good? >> does it? >> jon: it's a young helen mirren. am i out of my gourd. >> you blew my mind from this entire situation. that was so random. his no idea what you were going to do and i couldn't have guessed that you were going to do that. >> jon: can i tell you why i did it? >> i would love for you to. >> jon: you don't prepare for this very well. >> the producers and everybody involved in the show tells everyone. he's not going to know a lot about the movie or a lot about
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you. you have a preinterview and good over bullet points and scenes we want to touch on. no, no, no you guys are going to talk. he probably won't ask you anything about the movism he might not ask you anything. [ laughter ] >> jon: did they say anything else like don't look him in the eyes. he's a freaky little man. >> they told me not to look at your nipples. >> jon: what? that's weird. [cheers and applause] [laughter] here is why -- >> they've been staring at your nipples the whole time. >> jon: here is why i think it's weird that they would tell you that. it's my best feature. [laughter] are you going to get to relax now? do they get to -- do they let you go away? are you kept in a crisper? what do they do with you now? >> i have to wear a bell around my neck but they let me run around a little. no, i'm going have ten days off. >> jon: nice. enjoy thank i will. >> jon: you know who you
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should visit during that time? >> helen mirren. she's a young jennifer lawrence. >> sour weird. >> jon: don't you think that looks -- i did i saw it. no, can i see it. she's a beautiful woman and i'm complimented but i didn't expect that would you do that. >> jon: yeah. what would be -- is there anything -- here is what i figure -- >> should my hands be on the desk like this. >> jon: no, no. but there's a little bit of turkey salmonella on here. >> i passed that. -- i passed that turkey backstage. >> jon: i don't blame you there. >> i thought for one second about putting it on my head and running it out. i thought, you have enough attention. it's time to rest. >> jon: if you put that turkey on your head and ran around and i don't know this for a fact.
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i'm in the a scientist or engineer but i think the internet would break. [laughter] people at home would just -- heads would come flying off. seriously we should talk about the movie. are we out of time? >> okay. >> jon: oh, okay. no, sit. the movies are great. >> thank you. >> jon: and i do know a little something about them. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> jon: you are in it. [ laughter ] >> mm-hmmm. they must have written you up a synopsis. you didn't get bullet points. what kind of -- what is going on here? every one of your employers by the way -- employers, he is at the bottom of a food chain. i was drinking a beer and everybody who works here would say i have tequila under my desk. i have vodka. we have an alcohol cart.
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>> jon: it's like the dukes dukf hazzard around here. do you think it's an appropriate way to end the junket tour. i feel like it's a remarkably spirited and informational interview. i don't want to say -- >> i think that -- >> jon: in many ways i remind me of a young charlie rose. >> and i remind myself of -- >> jon: of? >> the queen of england. >> jon: a young helen mirren. >> why didn't i say that? so tired. god. >> jon: the hunger games catching fire will be in theaters on friday. i knew that. >> i knew it, too. it's written right there. [ laughter ] >> jon: i'm going to say this, here is what is nice about this young lady. this say huge franchise movie. but this woman's talent and
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abilities has established herself outside of the boundaries after this franchise, a franchise like that could peg a person of lesser abilities in. i think your work in david russell as movies and all that inoculates you for that kind of
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>> jon: that's our show. have a wonderful holiday. here it is your mement of zen. >> if there was one -- moment of zen. >> if there was one thing you could change about yourself
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right now, what would it be? >> i would ask for more [clapping] i think that transformer's >> thank you. that's why i stopped taking baths at the gym. welcome to tosh.0. oh. that video made me very uncomfortable for the first 20 minutes. all i kept thinking was, "man, these guys wives are going to give them so much crap when they see this." his mouth is saying "no" over and over but his chiseled abs are screaming "yes." >> it's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.
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that's what my grandma always said. >> we have a pretty swell show today. tonight we give the trampled cheerleader a web redemption we find out if this is real or fake and i'll be answering your celebrity twitter questions. alright, let's get started by checking in on a safari. >> what's up? >> [screaming] >> oh! [audience clapping] >> yes. ah, what's more annoying. monkeys having sex on your car, or listening to your wife and her friends cackle in your ear. two pump chimp. do you need more proof that we've descended from monkeys? after he finishes, he immediately takes a nap. talk about your rough rider he's hitting it bear-back. that's risky.

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